How To Have a Really Bad Day 101
by Dana Scully Mulder
Summary: Jay & Silent Bob film crossover, mostly Clerks. Ever wonder what would happen if the characters from Kevin Smith's Clerks came to the XFAS universe? Enjoy! snicker


Title: How to have a really bad day 101 according to Hallie Mulder  
  
Rating: R(Mild for laungage)  
  
Keywords: Clerks/ X-files MSM  
  
Description: Ever mix Kevin Smith's Clerks with X-files and see what you get....  
  
Warning: MSR shipper and for all you Kevin Smith's fans.... :: bows down to Silent Bob::  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Clerks or X-files.. Hey Chris would it be alright if Mulder and Scully came to spend the night? and Kevin don't sue me.  
  
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Cast: M-Mulder S-Scully H-Hallie FJ-Fox Jr. AA-Anna An- Anthony  
  
L-Langley F-Frohike B-Byers J-Jimmy E-Eve JI-Jodi S-Sean  
  
Sk-Skinner SR-Sarah C-Chessy Dg-Dogget R-Reyes JT-JT BR-Brian  
  
C-Cody CL-Colton JY: Jay SB: Silent Bob D: Dante RD: Randel  
  
A-Activist SC: Sab chan Ed-Ed  
  
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Act one scene one  
  
( Enter bedroom..early morning.. the alarm clock reads 6:45 am.. Saturday.. Hallie face down in her bed with a tank top and pj bottmes is found sleeping on her bed as the phone rings)  
  
H: ( Takes phone in hand.. groggily) Hello... What?.. No Cody.. my ass does not work today.... I've got a date tonight....... Why don't you call Mike?...... What?.... He's not sick..He's just getting drunk off his ass like he does everytime he gets a chance to..... What? No Cody.. You didn't catch his bug your just going to sit your ass down and join him.... Why Can't I come in?... Easy I closed last night and then had to atend one of Dad's stupid parties. I'm going on four hours sleep.... ( deep sigh) Fine....I'll fucking coming in then.... I'll be there at nine and what time will you be there?...... one?... fine one.. You owe big time Cody! ( Hangs up) Damn it and on my day off....  
  
( Enter Sarah's bedroom and phone rings)  
  
SR: ( groggily in a perky sort of way.) Morning....... Yeah.. sure.... with Hallie... Sure..... Okay.. bye bye.... ( Hangs up and dials number as Hallie once again asleep and she picks up phone) Good Morning....  
  
H: What the hell do you want?  
  
SR: Hallie you sound angry....  
  
H: ( sarcastically) Really..... You know Sarah You really are a fucking genius this morning....  
  
SR: Let me guess I woke you?  
  
H: Well technically you did but not before Cody and his lazy ass did.  
  
SR: Really..... It was so nice hearing him ask me to work.  
  
H: ( sarcastically ) Really..wow same here.. So we both will work our asses off as dear Mike and Cody get drunk off their asses..  
  
SR: Okay... I'm fixin to get ready....Can you give me a ride?  
  
H: What about that thing you have in the parking lot with an engine and four wheels?  
  
SR: Oh it's broken... I tried to fix something and then had to call my Dad and then he only ended up getting oil on his nice white work shirt.  
  
H: ( saracastically) Oh I'm not worthy dear princess of screwups.... Fine I'll pick you up... and your perkiness..  
  
SR: by..... She hung up. ( Skinner comes by and she chases me after) Hey Dad!  
  
SK: (groggily) Morning.......  
  
SR: Dad..... I just called Hallie....  
  
SK: ( blinks ) What before twelve? Are you insane?  
  
SR: No.... I don't think so.  
  
SK: Let me guess.. Cody called her before you did and now she's pissed.  
  
SR: Something like that.  
  
SK: Is she taking you and your perkiness?  
  
SR: Yeah... Dad am I too perky?  
  
SK: No honey ( puts arm around her) You just suffer from too much excitment... ( leaves and she leaves to get dressed)  
  
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Act one scene 2  
  
H: ( marching around the house in her tank top and PJ's) Damnit.... Where the fuck is that thing.?  
  
M: ( exits bedroom in PJ's bottems) Hale you want to keep it down in there. You know people are trying to sleep in here?  
  
H: Sorry Dad.. Just trying to find my Aerosmith shirt..... ( still looking around for shirt)  
  
M: Which one?  
  
H: My black one with the sides and the string.  
  
M: Oh I think it's in the laundry... What are you doing up anyway?  
  
H: ( sarcastcially) Oh Cody Called...  
  
M: And he what's you to fill in for him while he and Mike get drunk off their asses...  
  
H: You hit the nail right on the head Dad....  
  
M: Well... that's what i'm here for.. Need a right..  
  
H: Dad I drive....  
  
M: Oh yeah I forgot umm can I at least make you breakfast...  
  
H: Thanks but no thanks.. I'll probably just grab something....( leaves for Laundry room as Mulder goes back into bed room)  
  
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Act one scene 3a  
  
( Enter D'J's record store as Hallie and Sarah enter store and turn the lights on...... Hallie goes to open the window shutter but finds it jammed with gum.)  
  
H: Shit..... Damn "Clerks" fanitics... Great movie but this is just a damn obsession.  
  
SR: ( comes outside) Again?....  
  
H: Yeah..... Damnit Again... God..What are we going to do now..? ....( is silent for a moment thinking) You got your lipstick?  
  
SR: Yeah Why? ( Hallie grins evilly)  
  
  
  
Act one scene 3b  
  
SR: I can't belive you....  
  
H: What like nobody's one going to know that it once was a a Britney Spears banner. and besides those clerck fanatics are going to love me.  
  
( Both girls set back to look at a former Britney Spears banner with a huge X on her face and written in lipstick... I assure you were open)  
  
SR: ( leaves to go inside) Come on.... Let's open this hell hole. ( Hallie follows her as they get behind counter  
  
  
  
( thirty minutes later)  
  
H: Have a nice day ( customere leaves as someone approaches the counter..) Hi what can I do for you?  
  
A: Oh just ring this up for me why don't you.... ( Places a CD on counter as she picks it up.. she starts to ring it up and then realizes what it is.)  
  
H: You're really buying this? ( holds up CD as he shakes his head.) The Lazzerous Bowl soundtrack.. OH wait till Dad hears about this. ( chuckles) That will be 18.09.... ( Customer takes out money)  
  
A: Have you ever seen this movie?  
  
H: I don't need to see it since I know the people it's based on.  
  
A: ( Excited) Oh my God.. You know Agents Mulder and Scully.. I thought they were just made up characters.... How do you know them?  
  
H: Well let's just say Im the result of their joined DNA..  
  
A: Shit... you mean to tell me that your the daughter of Agents Mulder and Scully. I didn't even though they had kids..  
  
H: Yeah there's me and my three other siblings...( gives him change) Now.....  
  
A: God... hey you two get over here. ( He is joined by two fanatics with two baddly dyed red hair)  
  
H: HOLY SHIT......  
  
Fanatic 1: What is it?  
  
Fanatic: Yeah what is it?  
  
A: Guess who this is....  
  
Fanatic 1: Who?  
  
Fanatic 2: You know she looks a lot like Dana..  
  
A: yeah she's their daughter..  
  
Fanatic 1: Who's? ( Hallie rolls her eyes as Sarah is trying not to laugh)  
  
Fanatic 2: Yeah who's ?  
  
A: Who is your favorite couple from the movies?  
  
Fanatic 1: You mean.. Mulder and Scully..... ( Excited) OH my God.. You're Mulder and Scully daughter... I told you they were real.. I told you. ..( Looks at other fanatic who is speachless)  
  
Fanatic 2: Oh My God.. You mean your the offspring..... ahhhhh....... Can we get their autographs please?  
  
H: ( Looks at a customer she thinks she knows) Um sure...... Um could you guys sort of move.... There other customers.  
  
A: ( Not hearing her last comment) So do you have all brothers or sisters or is it a mixure?  
  
H: Um well I'll tell you later..Now please there are other customers......  
  
Fanatic: Oh my God I can't believe this...  
  
SC: ( Enters counter) Hey... this is a store now get your autographs later.. ( they leave mentioning that they'll get the autographs tommorrow) Can you believe that.. Damn "Lazerus Bowl " Fanatics...  
  
( Hallie looks at her silently)  
  
SC: "Thank you Margaret from saving me from those damn shit faced cultist of that movie about my parents"  
  
( Hallie remains silent)  
  
SC: Okay Hale! What's your problem?  
  
H: Well finding out that there are actually shit faced cultist of that damned movie about my Parental Authorities is sort of creepy and besides that . " I'm not even supposed to be here today"  
  
SR: Will you quit saying that? ( turns back to another customer)  
  
SC: ( turns attention back on Hallie) Well let me guess.. Dear Cody called you and asked you to fill in Again...  
  
H: Well arne't we so fucking smart! ( Takes shirt from her and rings it up) AC/DC? I already have this one...  
  
SC: Hale this might come as a shock but it's not for you.. It's for Casey...  
  
H: Isn't her birtday in three months while mine is in four days away?  
  
SC: Yeah but you know my brain.. Want to get if now so I can actually remember to give it to her.  
  
H: How is she anyway? Last I heard she was currently in the hit show broadway show Chicago or least that's what Anna heard.. You know Anna and theater...  
  
SC: Yeah I do.. Well yeah she's in New York right now.. Great show.. I just rode a train up there and saw her in it.. I should take Anna up there to see it.... So know what everybody's getting you for your birthday?  
  
H: Not Yet.. but knowing you. You've probably already got it hidden somewhere..( gives her change) Well see you.  
  
SC: See you.. better get back to work before they catch my ass taking a long lunch break.  
  
H: Yeah. You know how they are about a long lunch... ( Margaret leaves as another customer approaches)  
  
SR: Hey Hale.. Has Ed opened the convenience store yet?  
  
H: Not that I know of... Let me guess he got more impatient customers at the door......( Looks at local store next to them)  
  
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Act two scene 1  
  
Customer: Hey isn't that store supposed to be open by now.. It's twenty after eleven.  
  
H: I called him already twice so don't bitch and complain to me about it. Complain to him about it when he gets here and tell him he owes me twenty bucks. ( Customer leaves with package)  
  
SR: Damint where is Ed at? I'm thirsty.  
  
H: Well get something out of Cody's fridge.. Like he would miss it.  
  
SR: Excuse me..... Take a drink out of Ed's fridge.. God No.. There's no telling what he put in it.  
  
H: Nothing you haven't had before at my place.  
  
SR: Oh you mean like those vodka rocks you fixed me and Oliva when we were 12. God those were nasty. I don' t see how your Dad drinks those things.  
  
H: Like father like daughter.....  
  
SR: I mean it' s not like he has that much of demanding job. All he does is take money and exchange it.  
  
H: And we don't?  
  
SR: I mean it's the principle of the thing... He sells convenice items.. Like food, drinks, and other stuff while we provide this great country with Music that will get in their heads and will inspire.  
  
H: And your point being?  
  
SR: Well....We thrive on Music we just need that other stuff to.. to ..to  
  
H: Live?  
  
SR: Yeah live? ( Hallie looks at her with a look) What's so funny?  
  
H: You and your air headness.... ( takes a sip of her drink and opens box of CD's as Sarah gasp )  
  
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Act two scene 2a  
  
( Convenience store with Jay and Silent Bob standing out side of it.)  
  
JY: ( as a chick walks by) " So this chick starts acting like she fucking want's a piece of me and then she takes me and her to her fucking room. Well we start going at it.... You know I pull it out.......she starts going....( Silent Bob hits him in the elbow as Jodi looks at the both of them.) .. What the fuck did you that for man...( Silent Bob points to the kid.) What like the kid doesn't know where babies come from? She probably watches the discovery channel.... So any way were in this process when who but her father walks in and I scram my white ass out the window.. But she did invite me back tonight... So I'll be getting a little more tonight. ( Jay gives him a thumbs up) Hey this vacation was a great idea? I mean I know Dante and that ass hole Randel were getting tired of us.. Might as well give them week off... I mean I like Jearsy but please do you know how much money we could make out here.. Politicians, Federal Agents, and of course those dumb ass fucking stoners.  
  
( Jimmy walks out of Convience store as Jodi follows him)  
  
J: ( Jodi climbs on his back) Come on you little squirt.....  
  
JI: Daddy....( Jimmy doesn't here her humming Prince's Purple rain) Daddy.... ( still doesnt' hear her..screams even louder) DADDY!  
  
J: Jodi what is it?  
  
JI: Were walking towards the car... Shouldn't we be heading towards the record store?  
  
J: ( thinks) Oh right.. almost forgot Hale's birthday.  
  
JY: ( hearing this) Hey! You with the small human form on your back...  
  
J: ( turns around) Yes?  
  
JY: Did you just say Hale's birthday?  
  
J: Yeah I did.  
  
JY: That wouldn't be Hallie the bitch but not the bastard child of dear Mulder and Scully Mulder. ( Jay slaps himself in head and shakes his head like he knows it her) What Man? I'm just fucking asking?  
  
J: Yeah it is.. Well her birthday is in three or four days but since she not working today were getting the gifts today.  
  
JI: She's my baby sitter...  
  
JY: You actually let Hallie babysit.... Are you fucking nuts? ( Bob again slaps his elbow and counts his fingers showing three fingers up) Oh yeah I almost fucking forgot about her siblings...  
  
J: Yeah she's actually pretty good at it..... You know she has had plenty of experience with it considering who her parents are.  
  
JY: Oh yeah so is Mrs. Spooky knocked up again or did she finally get Spooky Mulder fixed?  
  
J: Oh she finally got him fixed... not that he voluntered for it but she said she couldn't handle more than four.  
  
JY: ( Bob lowers his head and shakes it) Whooo that's fucking sad.......  
  
J: Yeah well must be shopping..( leaves towards record store)  
  
JY: You think we should buy our Dear Hallie.....( Bob raises his eyebrows) OH your right we shouldn't get her anything.... ( Bob gives a sour look) What so are you saying we should ( Bob nods) Like with what fucking money? ( Bob acts like he's smoking a joint) Oh that money goes towards more fucking merchendise.. but we could get her a small thing... We'll wait in about an hour.  
  
  
  
  
  
Act two scene two b..  
  
( Jimmy goes up to counter with Jodi hanging on his leg....Hale's back is turned to him as she sets up a display)  
  
J: Hey can I get some service? ( Hallie turns around as Jimmy's eyes bug out) Hallie? I thought you weren't working today...  
  
H: Well I wasn't but Cody and his lazy ass wanted to get drunk off his ass and leave me on my fucking day off to work with the queen supreme of Airheads... ( Sarah turns around puzzled) Now what the hell can I do for you?  
  
J: Ring this up....( Hallie takes book before Jimmy thinks about what he did) Um Hale I think Sarah should ring this up.  
  
H: What this.... ( Looks at book) The sheet music to Pink Floyd's Darks side of the Moon... Now hmm who could this be for.  
  
J: Fine you can ring it up.. Just ask suprised when I actually give it to you later. ( Hallie rings up book) that will be 14.06.. ( Hands him money with bag)  
  
H: Here you go Jimmy ( Jimmy turns to leave before turning around )  
  
J: Hey Hale are you busy next Monday?  
  
H: Don't think so... Why?  
  
J: Good I was just wandering if you would watch Jodi for us. See me and Eve along with your parents, the gunmen and Skinner are going to this function at the Kennedy Center and we need a babysitter.  
  
H: Sure.. I'll do it..( Looks at Jodi) Hey Jodi didn't even see you? ( Jodi waves as she turns back to Jimmy) What time?  
  
J: around sevenish.. We were just going to drop her off at your house if you don't mind.  
  
H: Sure I don't mind.. She'll have plenty of company..  
  
J: Thanks Hale.. see you later ( Jodi waves as her and Jimmy leave)  
  
H: ( takes a sip of her coke and spits it out.) Eechh man it's hot.. Sarah? ( turns to see Sarah is gone with her back in a minute sign on the counter) Now where did the hell did that blond air head go.?  
  
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Act two scene 3 a  
  
( Sarah enters convience store as she sees Monica at the register paying)  
  
S: Monica.. and what are doing this lovely Saturday Morning? ( Pulls two cokes out from the fridge)  
  
R: Absolutly nothing but cleaning out filing cabinets. John has got me doing some sort of office clean up shit while he plays on the computer.. I hate when he does that... But I'm finished now and fixing to get my ass in bed.  
  
S: Why don't you just join me and Hallie at DJ's..  
  
R: ( Sarah pays for the drinks) Wait a minute Hallie is working today.. Let me guess, Cody and Mike are at home getting drunk of their ass?  
  
SR: You would be correct ( Looks at Ed) So Ed where the hell have you been today.. God I've been waiting for you to fucking open to get myself and Hallie and drink but no you wern't here.  
  
ED: ( in a bad mood) Hey sare give me a fucking break. Please I have the a elephant size migrane from last night.  
  
R: And what were doing last night Ed?  
  
ED: What do you think .. Perfecting the act of getting plastered... last night at Casey's.  
  
R: Really...  
  
ED: And guess who came in.?  
  
SR: who?  
  
ED: Of all people mulder came in and picked up two kegs.. He said he was having a party. Some sort of Sports thing but I could come if I wanted.  
  
R: Yeah I was there.. We didn't leave til about four... It was hillarious.. Scully of all people beat Mulder's ass at Pool... and then Hallie was doing the bar tending thing... She was like a Extra in Coyote Ugly. It was fucking funny.  
  
Ed: Wait a minute..Hallie bartends. She's only sixteen..  
  
R: yeah but that all she does.. she is prohibited to drink anything ... Usually Frohike is the bartender but he was so plastered last night that Hallie had to take his place.  
  
Ed: That's it..next time spooky Mulder has a party I'm coming.... ( looks outside) Hey you guys do you know those two stoners outside the shop.. they were over here but then they switched to the record shop...  
  
SR: ( looks outside window and smiles) Well Hot diggity damn.. Hey Monica look at this! ( Monica looks out side window)  
  
R: Well, well , well. If it isn't Jay and Silent Bob. Either Randel or Dante put another restraining order on their heads or those two are on vacation...  
  
Ed: Well tell them no dealing outside this establishment..... Will you? ( they turn to leave) Bye you two..  
  
R: Bye ( sarah waves as they head toward Jay and silent bob)  
  
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act two scene 3 b  
  
JY: ( him and bob are now at the store leaning outside the wall) Hey Bob man wouldn't you love this shit right here. I mean you have the convience store right next door to the music store and then the comic book shop is right across the fucking street. I mean this is heaven.. this is fucking heaven.. good reading enjoyment, liqour and ciggerettes, and some cool ass music all rolled up into one... ( Bob shakes his head and points to sarah and Monica approaching them)  
  
R: Well.. well, well... if it isn't Blunt man and Chronic themsleves....  
  
JY: Hey Monica.... you still single cause you know if you want I'm right here for you.. (looks at bob) or you could have bob here but you know him while your doing it he won't say much.  
  
R: Yes I'm still single but I don't think i'm that despreate to get some..  
  
S: So what brings you boys here? Randell and Dante stick a restraing order on your asses again or are you here just for the full enjoyment of this wonderful city?  
  
JY: Actaully were here on vacation.. we deciced that Randel and Dante needed a break from us so we came down here and found out Hale's birthday is in a couple of days.  
  
R: Yeah she turns seventeen.. Man it only seems like a couple of years since I delivered her..  
  
JY: seventeen huh? almost legal..  
  
SR: Yeah and the good thing is that me and her will graduate next year..  
  
JY: Are you fucking with me? You and Hale will graduate next year? God I remember when I graduated. ( bob gives him a funny look) What okay so I didn't graduate I just snuck in and streaked at the thing.  
  
R: So you guys just planning to stick around here or do you plan to come in?  
  
JY: We might come in.. But you never know we might just get some business out here though.  
  
R: Yeah I know.. ( sarcastically) I heard some federal agents are short of some. I think Skinner took it all.  
  
SR: ( Defensefifly) Hey.. that's my dad you're talking about.  
  
R: ( Looks at Sarah with strange look) Anyways see you two later. Come on Sarah. ( two enter store)  
  
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Act two scene 3b  
  
( Hallie is seen at counter top quietly tapping the counter top as Sarah and Monica come into view)  
  
H: There you are.. God Sare.. What have I told you about leaving me here when there is five billion people here who want service and only red headed vertically changelanged me here to serve them service with a smile. ( Looks at Monica) Monica.. What the hell are you doing here? Did Dogget actually let you out of your cage of an office? God what a day? ( Both look at her strangly) What okay so I need some caffine. God what is with people today?  
  
R: It's nice to see you to Hale.. Really remind me never to let you bartend again. You get in a mood. (Her and Sarah get behind counter as Monica jumps and sits on the bar stool.  
  
H: And what do you think you are doing?  
  
R: Siting up here.. talking to you and Sarah  
  
SR: Hale I said she could...  
  
H: Fine with me.. Just as long as Cody doesn't freak out. ( takes a customer) So Monica what brings you to this hell hole?  
  
R: John and Filing. I swear the man is obbsessed with filing. It's like I have to do his way or it's wrong.  
  
SR: OH why don't you to just go ahead and sleep together. I swear you two are like MU... ( Looks at Hallie who is giving her an evil look)  
  
H: Like who? Sarah....  
  
SR: UMM UMM ( Looks at Monica) Nobody.. UM just this funny story about this..... ( Looks at Monica) this....  
  
R: Couple?  
  
SR: Yeah Couple.. who were part. .. partners and they worked in the base... attic and they were supposed to be jumping each other bones every so often till one of them got pregnant.... and.......  
  
H: Sarah I know the story about how my parents met. I've even accidently seen the act in which I was concieved. God what is with the FBI's and my parent's sex life?  
  
R: You really are in bad mood today aren't you?  
  
H: ( Looks at Monica evilly as she takes a sip out of her drink) No I'm just in a really happy mood where I act like a total bitch.  
  
SR: Don't you just love her sarcastic wit?  
  
R: Sure and I know where she gets it from  
  
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Act three scene 1a  
  
( Enter a car where Randel and Dante park)  
  
RD: God, it feels good to get out of Jersey. No two fucking stoners in the front of the store. No being in an annoying convience store selling people hazzardoes substances that they might die from but we won't get any of the blame.  
  
D: Wait that's my job all you do is work at a video store half the time and come over to where I work then and raise hell at the customers causing me money to some day getting out of that damn store.  
  
RD: Well we got out today at least.. I mean come on Dante.. Were here in D.C. You know who lives here?  
  
D: Who?  
  
RD: Hale, you know the bitch not the bastard child of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully Mulder.  
  
D: Really? That would mean Sarah also lives here along with Sean, Brian, J.T, Eric and Olivia.  
  
RD: Yeah .. so we go see them and celerbrate dear Hale's seventeenth birthday. ( Gets out of Car as Dante does the same) OH SHIT  
  
D: What?  
  
RD: Don't look at the record shop.  
  
D: What's at the Record shop?  
  
RD: Nothing you want to see  
  
D: I don't get that  
  
RD:Get what?  
  
D: That saying Nothing you want to see. Seriously that scene could either horribly effect your life in a good or bad way but how would you know if you don't look at all.?  
  
RD: You seriously think too much.  
  
D: I just want to know what it is.  
  
RD: Fine look then.  
  
D: ( turns around and looks as Jay and Silent Bob wave) OH HOLY SHIT! Why did you let me look?  
  
RD: Hey it was your own damn fault. I said not to look.  
  
D: Come on.. Let's just face these two and get some new music. ( They walk towards the record store)  
  
J: Well, Well, Well, You two miss us already.  
  
RD: ( saracasticaly) Yeah boys we missed seeing your lazy lotering asses so we decided to come her and take you back to Jersey.  
  
J: ( to bob) You hear that! They actually fucking missed us. ( Bob looks at him with a raised eyebrow) So! So! We actually have people who care about us hear and your have a fucking problem with it. ( Bob raises shoulders as Jay turns back to Randel and Dante.) So you seriously missed us. I'm fucking touched man.  
  
D: Don't be.. Now if your brains actually work answer me this question? Is Hale in there?  
  
J: You mean Hale as in Hallie the bitch not the bastard child of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Yeah she's in there along with Sarah and Monica right now. I think Deb is also doing the fucking stock right now.  
  
RD: Well your brains actually do have some circuits that are not fried yet. Come on let's go say hey to you know who. ( leave and enter store)  
  
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Act thee scene 1b  
  
SR: ( ringing another customer up) So Debra is counting money right now and that leaves us here!  
  
H: I wish I could find some people who are off today to work for me. I don't feel like it. What's Mark up to?  
  
SR: Vacation with his parents  
  
H: Okay Gina?  
  
SR: She is probably hung over and currrently in bed with a guy who she has no clue who the hell he is.  
  
H: Okay Lucas?  
  
SR: Raising 9,000 dollars for the store.  
  
H: What the hell did he do now?  
  
SR: I don't know but it pissed Cody off so he's making him raise the money for it.  
  
H: Okay Corey?  
  
SR: Coming in at four to take Deb's place  
  
H: Okay Sean?  
  
SR: Getting ready for your date tonight with him.  
  
H: I hate people....  
  
R: You don't hate people you momentarily dislike them.  
  
H: No.. I hate people ( rings up another customer as Randel and Dante come up to counter)  
  
RD: Excuse me a little help here.. (Hallie lifts head to see them)  
  
H: Well, well, well. Look who Jersey kicked out. So what you boys doing up here. Jay and Silent Bob burn down the store or did you find a way to get fired from that evil conspiracy you call a store.  
  
D: No.. We just had to get away if you know what I mean from the two stoners. Hey Sare, Monica!  
  
R: Hey Dante, still dating Ronnie? or are you still hung up on Caitlian?  
  
RD: Don't bring those up please... I didn't think you be working today Hale?  
  
H: The funny is I'm not... I should be at home invading my father's liquor cabinet but Cody somewhat took my plan.... I'm not even supposed to be here today!  
  
SR: Will you quit saying that?  
  
D: This scene looks very familiar.  
  
RD: Are you sure about that?  
  
D: Why do you always fucking second guess me?  
  
RD: I do not always second guess you!  
  
D: The Hell you do.. I swear everyday you do it everytime I'm working you come in and.....  
  
H: Okay... Shut the Hell up both of you. God you're worse then Sarah on PMS.  
  
SR: Hey! I'm not that bad! Monica is she telling the truth? Monica?  
  
R: Okay I can't answer that on the grounds that I might incriminate myself and lose my job.  
  
SR: Why would you lose your job?  
  
H: OH My God! you are such a Blond Ding Bat.. okay Sarah. What does your father do for a living?  
  
SR: He's an FBI agent and a assistant director! Why?  
  
D: Hale let me try... Now Sarah what does an Assistant Director do?  
  
SR: They're like in charge of other agents and stuff. Right?  
  
RD: Okay now Sarah what agents does your father ..um what agents are under his charge?  
  
SR: What?  
  
H: Okay let me fix this please, God! Okay Sarah who calls out of all the agents in the Pentagon who calls your dad Boss?  
  
SR: Oh Okay um ... Agent Mulder , his wife Scully, Agent Dogget and Monic.. Oh I get it.. ( Happily) Monica works for my dad and I can get her a raise. ( laughs)  
  
R: ( aside to Hallie) Are you sure she wasn't dropped on the head as a baby?  
  
H: Well there was that time that she accidently hit her head on some sheet metal when she was three.  
  
RD: So guys we will see you later then...  
  
H: leaving so soon..  
  
D: Yeah we got to check back into a buddy's in George town.  
  
H: Well Well Well it's just like a man to leave his woman when he's most needed.  
  
RD: Really Hale, so does this mean I get the extra benfits from our friendship then.  
  
H: OH God Hell Randel.. I swear you couldn't and you would'nt fuck anything that has two legs that would answer to name of a cat.  
  
D: You got that right Hale, ( Laughs)  
  
RD: Dude are you calling me gay?  
  
D: No, I'm not.... (To Hallie) Will see you guys later.... ( start to exit store)  
  
RD: So you were calling me Gay?  
  
D: I was not calling you gay you dumbass.  
  
RD: Well I think you were ( continue to argue till they exit door)  
  
SR: Well that was exciting.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Act three scene 2a  
  
(Same place two hours later.... Hallie is asleep on the couch as Sarah is eating a sandwich talking to Monica)  
  
R: Damn'it there is nothing to do here.  
  
SR: There is the pinball machine in Cody's office.  
  
R: Yeah but last time I beat his high score and he got really pissed.  
  
SR: I can't belive you mentioned Caitlen to Dante.  
  
R: Why?  
  
H: ( getting up from couch groggely) Because Ronnie dumped Dante's ass because He was going back to Caitlen depsite the times she has cheated on him.. When Caitlen going back to the bathroom to change with no lightbulb at the Quickstop fucks this old dead guy who was masterbating in there hours before... So Caitlen thinks it's Dante who she has fucked in the bathroom questions Dante about it and finds out that she fucked a dead guy and then later was put in the loony bin from the post traumatic stress of fucking a dead guy. ( both look at her strangly) Does that answer your question?  
  
SR: Yeah!  
  
R: Caitlen fucked a dead guy? Oh God and how did you find about it this?  
  
H: Oh from Holden McNeil who was dating some chick named Alyison or something who was gay but later fell in love with Holden who she dated for a while till he found out that she had a threeway with Rick Derris and some other dude and was later called finger cuffs.  
  
SR: Holden McNeil, You mean Holden McNeil from Bluntman and Chronic?  
  
H: Yes, that Holden McNeil along with Banky who later cut a movie deal with Miramax to produce the Blunt Men and Chronic films.  
  
R: Yeah Banky.. you know he looks a lot like who is that guy who runs that comic book shop in Jersey now.  
  
H: Oh you mean Broady?  
  
R: Yeah Broady! What happened to him?  
  
H: OH Broady still runs the comic book shop but I haven't heard from Ren'e in years his ex girlfriend but I heard T.S and Brandy Speening got married when jaws popped out of the water.  
  
SR: And you know what there are always two people connected to each of these people.  
  
R: And who what that be  
  
H: Jay and Silent Bob. ( Jay and Silent Bob Enter) Well speak of the devil  
  
JY: Well Snootch to the Nootch.. If it isn't Hallie the bitch not the bastard child of Mr. and Mrs. Spooky Mulder. ( Bob waves at her as she waves back)  
  
H: Well , well if isn't just my day I see all my friends from Jersey come down. Who's next Broady?  
  
JY: Nah Broady's working today.  
  
H: Ah I see. So how you boys doing? You still hang out at the quick stop?  
  
JY: Yeah we do among other places ( Bob lifts a eyebrow) So and my hetero life partner heard it was your birthday in a couple of days.  
  
H: Well Jay it is, good old seventeen. So how long you boys in town?  
  
JY: Don't know, have no idea untill our people tell us where to fucking go if you know what I mean. Well we must be going you know we just came in for a break from business. See you later Hale. ( exit store as Mulder enters the store) Well if it isn't Mr. Knock your partner up Mulder. ( Mulder waves at the two as they exit)  
  
M: Hey Hale..( brings sac lunch with him)  
  
H: Dad what are you doing here?  
  
M: Oh Nothing your were in such a rush this morning that you didn't get your lunch so I went down Casey's to get you some. ( Hale peeks in bag)  
  
H: Why thank you Dad but shouldn't you be with Mom right now.?  
  
M: Well Yeah but she 's teaching a class at Quantico right now so that leaves me to do office work.  
  
H: OH okay...  
  
M: (looks at Monica and Sarah) Hey Reyes, Hey sarah  
  
SR: Hey other none genetic daddy ( sarah giglies)  
  
H: Dad we don't claim her right.  
  
M: ( trying to avoid the quetion) So Agent Reyes what are you doing here.  
  
R: Keeping these girls in company while trying to avoid John.  
  
M: The usual file cabinet clean out detail right.  
  
R: Yeah  
  
M: Hey Sarah do me a favor and get my lay away you know the one I'm talking about I want to pay it off and bring it home.  
  
SR: Sure Mulder be back in a minute ( exits through door)  
  
H: Well daddy, a lay away and who could this before.. Could it be for ( gasp) a certain red haired daughter who looks like her mother but acts like her dad of yours who is having a birthday real soon.  
  
M: Hallie I taught you this once and I'll teach it to you again.. Deny Everything.  
  
H: ( As sarah reenters holding a large brown paper package as Mulder pulls out his money..) ( whining) But DADDY, please tell me..  
  
M: Hallie Katherine Mulder I'm surprised at you. Really trying to sneak a peak at your birthday gift when you know good and well that your mother and I taught you better than that. Come on Hale we brought you up to be a good and moral person.  
  
H: Dad you forget that I was conceived through a immoral and lustful act conducted by mom, you, and both your raging hormones that resulted to the wild angelic child that stands before you.  
  
M: Hey it's not our Fault that our "raging hormones" decided that faithful night of passion would lead to the creation of a the seventeen year old that stands before me.  
  
H: Dad spare the birds do it, bee's do it and even educated MD's do it speech. You forget that I've already been truamatized with that speech years ago.  
  
M: Hey it's your own damn fault that you hacked into the site.  
  
H: No Dad, blame Uncle Ringo,  
  
SR: When all else fails blame Langley.  
  
M: Yeah but hate to leave you but I've got to get back to the office where the creations of other nights of passion between me and your mother were made are helping me.  
  
SR: Who are they?  
  
R: ( looks at Sarah) Sarah, do we have to explain to you how babies are made.  
  
SR: No! I know how...  
  
R: So what Mulder just said should register something in your brain.  
  
H: Not that she has a brain.  
  
M: Hallie Katherine Mulder!  
  
H: ( looks at her dad's glaring look) Whoops sorry about that Sarah.  
  
SR: Wait a minute... Oh he means your brothers, and sister Hallie.  
  
H: ( sarcastically) Yeah Sarah, didn't know that till now. ( Looks at Mulder who is gleaming at her) Dad why the hell are you gleaming at me?  
  
M: Oh No reason Hale, It's just that ( puts hand on her face) your so much like me sometimes It's funny. ( Kisses her forhead) See you at home kid.  
  
H: Bye Dad, ( Mulder exits)  
  
R: Your Dad sure loves you Hale, Even though he may have some paranormal obsessions with his work and your mom, He sure does love you, don't take it for granted.  
  
H: Yeah Monica I don't.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _________  
  
Act three Scene 2b  
  
  
  
( later in the same store an hour later)  
  
H: ( ringing up another customer) Thank you. Have a nice day. ( Lone gunmen, Dogget, Anna, Anthony, and Fox Jr. Enter, along with Skinner) OH SHIT. Monica get in the back room with Corey.  
  
R: Why?  
  
H: OH no Particular reason except the people that just came in.  
  
R: Who ( looks at the group of them) OH SHIT... I'll be back in there.. ( exits)  
  
DG: Well, Well,Well Hallie Mulder I thougt you wern't working today.  
  
H: Hello Dogget I wasn't but Cody called me and I had to.  
  
L: ( puts item on counter in front of Sarah as other gunmen surround him) Well, Well if it isn't my niece. How are you Hale?  
  
H: OH I'm fine...( sarcastically) OH I'm great if you consider it's supposed to be my day off ( Fox Jr. comes up beside them) Man guys why did you have to bring that legitimate thing with you?  
  
FJ: Well at least I'm not a bastard child.  
  
H: Better to be a Bitch than a bastard. ( Lunges for him)  
  
DG: Hey ( grabs her wrist and Hallie snatches it away) what does your dad say about wringing your brother's neck .  
  
H: I can do it as long it's not in public.  
  
AN: I swear can't you two ever get along. ( getting up besides byers) Hey Sis!  
  
H: Hey Anna!  
  
FJ: Don't you mean Annie? ( Anna shouts him a dirty look)  
  
AN: ( raises her fist) Do you want to lose all your teeth in public?  
  
H: Play practice going that bad Anna?  
  
AN: You could say that but my wig just came in... and I'm just glad I didn't get Mom's red haired.  
  
SK: Oh Come on Anna I thought it was cute.. you with red hair. Hi Hale!  
  
SR: Daddy! ( lunges for him )  
  
SK: Sarah ( sarah still squeezing him.) C..C..Cant breathe.  
  
SR: Sorry ( let's go of him) I'm really sorry Daddy!  
  
SK: It's okay.... So Hale enjoying work?  
  
H: A.D. how long have you known me?  
  
SK: I would say for sixteen almost seventeen years why?  
  
H: Do I look like I'm enjoying work?  
  
SK: Bad question and stupid question. ( Anthony comes up to him and hands him a CD) Hale act suprised once you get these. ( Puts them on the counter and Hallie rings him up) Hey thanks little bro.. ( Pats Anthony head)The new Foo Fighter album.. I wanted this one.  
  
A: Anything for my sister.  
  
H: And where's your gift A.D or do I have to suffer.  
  
SK: You have to suffer.  
  
H: Oh come on A.D. You know us Mulder's we suffer horribly.  
  
SK: Hey if your Dad can wait seven years to stake claim on your Mom then you can wait three days till your birthday.  
  
F: Well technically it wasn't seven years more like six and a half. ( Skinner gives him a look)  
  
SK: So I was a little off Scaracrow.  
  
B: Will you two knock it off. So Hale should I tell Sean that your date is cancelled for tonight.  
  
H: Nah I'll just tell him when he gets here.  
  
DG: Hey guys have you seen Monica? She left me at the office a couple of hours ago and I need to her to do some more filing but I can't get her at her place.  
  
SR: OH I know where she is .. she in the.. ( Hallie covers her mouth with her hand)  
  
DG: She's where...  
  
H: She's getting my birthday present.. right Sarah  
  
SR: Right... She's getting her birthday present. and her cell phone is dead..  
  
DG: Okay but if you see her tell her to come back to the office.  
  
L: Well we'll see you kids later... ( they all wave with packages and leave)  
  
M: ( coming out of backroom) Is the coast clear?  
  
H: Yeah.. Thank God.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Act three scene 3a  
  
( two hours later it's five five o' clock and Hallie finishes ringing up another customer as the phone rings)  
  
H: ( picking up phone) Hello, D'J's record shop. You spend we spin.. Cody is that you?  
  
C: ( ON other line) Hey Hale.. How is it going?  
  
H: OH pretty well since your late... you were supposed to come in at one  
  
C: Yeah I know.... it's just this bug didn't let up and....  
  
H: Bullshit, Cody, You're watching another football game aren't you.  
  
C: Damn you know me to well. Well Hale if you'll just close for me.  
  
H: Cody I have a date tonight. Just because you don't have a fucking social life doesn't mean you can ruin mine.  
  
C: Please Hale. I'll pay you overtime and one of these days you can call in sick if you want to and I'll cover you.  
  
H: and where have I heard this before?  
  
C: Please Hale I really mean it this time...  
  
H: Fine you've twisted my arm.. Me and Sarah will close tonight.  
  
C: Thank you Hallie.. thank you ( Hallie Hangs up)  
  
H: ( to sarah and Monica) Excuse me... ( goes out of the store and smiles at them before screaming.. re enters and goes back to her station.) All better now.  
  
CT: Is that how you always treat your customers Hale?  
  
H: ( Tom Colton stands before her) Well, Well, Well, if it isn't Tom the asshole Colton. What can I do for you. and too answer your question no I usually treat my customers nicely but in your case I'll make an exception.  
  
CT: Well, it sounds like someone forgot to take their midol this morning.  
  
H: Do not mess with me Colton you forget I know people.  
  
CT: Like those two stoners out there. I'm surprised that you actually know those two losers and this just proves my point that you Mulder's are nothing but trouble. I told your mother never to hang around Fox Mulder but she did listen no she goes off and sleeps with him and has four of his spawn becoming Mrs. Spooky Mulder.  
  
H: Well maybe my mother likes trouble and your just jealous that my dad got some from my mom and you didn't.  
  
CT: Oh I see you have your father's wit but why are you here Hallie shouldn't you be at home.  
  
H: Oh I'm filling in for somebody and your right I should be at home but don't let the fact that one of your brain cells actually work get to your ego.  
  
CT: And your going to be how old in three days?  
  
H: the big seventeen Colton just think I can get in rated R. movies now. legally.  
  
CT: Oh God save us all. ( Puts CD on couter as Hallie rings it up and he pays for it.)  
  
H: God your buying Nysync's new one. Don't you know it's just the music industry trying to brain wash kids and beside they're old and fat now. It's not real music.  
  
CT: Yeah it's for my niece and the goverment is not trying to brainwash kids.  
  
H: Which means they are. You forgot that I was taught by my father.  
  
CT: Oh yeah, I forgot you were raised by Spooky Mulder.  
  
H: OH well ,at least my Mom had the since to spawn his kids and not yours..  
  
CT: You really don't like me.. do you Hale?  
  
H: Oh Yeah I like you that is I like making fun of you....( Hallie smiles at him)  
  
CT: Well I'll depart now.. since you have nothing better to do then blab that head off of yours....( turns to leave put then turns to face her) You know it's a shame. that you look like your mother but act like that father of yours.  
  
H: Well at least I"m not one of your evil spawn.... ( Colton gives her a look as he turns to leave)  
  
R: Can we say jealous? ( takes a bite out of her sandwhich as other two laugh.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _________  
  
ACT 3 scene 3b  
  
( thirty minutes later, Chessy and Scully enter store as Hallie is asleep laying her head on the counter.. they grab merchendise and head toward he counter top)  
  
SC: (nudging Hallie) Hello! ( Hallie wakes up and sits up) Hallie? What are you doing here?  
  
H: Mom, Dad didn't tell you that I was working today..  
  
SC: No. My cell phone 's not working but I will call your father later. What time did you start?  
  
H: Nine ( yawns) What time is it now?  
  
SC: I't's Six forty five.. did you eat lunch?  
  
H: Yeah Dad bought me some?  
  
C: Oh Dana please quit babying the girl.. She's only sixteen anyway.. ( Hallie waves)  
  
H: Hi Chess!  
  
SR: Hi Mom!  
  
C: Hey sweetie.  
  
SC: What time you two close tonight?  
  
SR: Ten  
  
C: Oh do you want us to get you something to eat?  
  
H: I"m fine Sarah may want something though.  
  
SR: I'm fine.. I can wait  
  
SC: Hale are you sure.. I mean I could go home and swipe about three slices of Peperonie and Pineapple pizza for you before your dad gets them.  
  
H: Mom thanks but you just go on home and tell Dad to save me those slices.  
  
SC: Okay ..( puts item on Sarah's counter) Sarah this is it. .. Hale don't look!  
  
H: Oh Mom and I thought you shopped early.... ( sarah rings object up and puts it in bag)  
  
SC: Thanks Sare  
  
C: UM Hale don't you have a date tonight...  
  
H: Yeah but I'll just tell Sean that I have to close when he gets here...  
  
SC: Okay we're leaving..( kisses Hale's head) Don't work yourself too hard .. You have church in the morning remember..  
  
H: Okay Mom, I promise ( Chessy and Scully leave as they both wave) Well only three more hours  
  
and we can go home...  
  
SC: Yeah..  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Act 4 scene 1  
  
( an hour later the time is 8:00 a clock pm... Sarah is mindlessly going through a magizine as JT, Brian and Sean enter)  
  
S: Hey Hale you ready? ( Kisses her as she gives him a look) What.?.... NO Cody making you close.?  
  
R: ( coming out of Cody's office) Yeah  
  
H: Thank you Monica I can speak for myself...  
  
BR: And such what a lovely voice you have... It makes birds sing.. makes people cry......and..  
  
JT: God we get it Brian.... So can't you just close early...  
  
SR: No.. we can't Cody wouldnt like it...  
  
H: Screw Cody I just want my over time money....  
  
S: Well I had this whole night planned Hale.. we were going to do go eat and ... go to that battle of the bands...  
  
H: Sean I'm sorry but I promise next weekend....  
  
S: Okay.. ( kisses her as Brian looks painfully on it.) I love you...  
  
H: Love you too....  
  
BR: She's brainwashed she's really in love with me.  
  
R: Brian get a life...  
  
JT: I swear you need one....  
  
( They all start to exit)  
  
SR : Bye... ( they leave)  
  
H: I'm missing battle of the bands)  
  
( From outside)  
  
JT: Hey jay hey Silent Bob  
  
JY: Snootch to the Nootch homies  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Act 4 scene 1b  
  
( I'ts 9: 56... Sarah is ringing up another custer as Hallie flips through the channels. Monica is currently reading a the new Rolling Stone)  
  
R: Well girls it's 9.56 only four more minutes...  
  
H: Thank God.... and I'm missing Battle of the Bands...  
  
SR: Oh quit complaining... I heard they were going to suck anyway....  
  
( Jay and Silent Bob enters they grab a CD and bring it up the counter)  
  
H: Ah so you Boys are actually going to by something...  
  
JY: Yeah we pay you keep.. Happy Fucking Birthday Hallie...  
  
H: OH thank you.... ( looks at it) Oh the New Ozzy... I wanted that one..  
  
JY: Yeah so you fixing to fucking close?  
  
SR: Yes we are  
  
JY: Ah that's cool..... So we better get going... Have a good Birthday Hale!  
  
( Jay starts to leave as Bob Remains)  
  
H: Yeah ( sarcasticlly) I'm sure I will  
  
SB: You know Hale... turning 17 is not that bad... hey at least your not turning 40  
  
( Jay and Bob leaves as Monica mouth is open)  
  
R: You mean he actually talks....  
  
SR: and H: ( together) Yeah....  
  
R: Didn't know that...  
  
H: I'll turn everything off...  
  
( Hallie turns the light off in the room as they Sarah takes the money from the register and quickly counts it... she leaves to put it in the safe as Hallie locks up the registers)  
  
R: So you girls thirsty?  
  
SR: Nah.... I just want to get home....  
  
( All start to leave... OUtside exterior shot)  
  
R: HEy Hallie Here's your sign ( throws her the former Banner)  
  
H: thanks  
  
R: Why was it up there to begin with?  
  
SR: Someone Jammed the locks with gum..  
  
R: Bunch of Savages  
  
( All three get in cars and drive off)  
  
  
  
  
  
The End...... 


End file.
